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Stop saying college was the 'best' time of your life
Well-meaning comments like these can alienate college students
When college students come home for the Thanksgiving holiday, a relative or loved one at their gathering will likely ask, “How’s school? College is the best time of your life! When I was in school.”
When older folks ask these questions and reminisce, they’re looking for common ground, but the effect can actually be more tone-deaf than relatable. Memory Lane may come with good intentions, but the Animal House-type memories don’t often match today’s college experience, especially for students in their first year.
Many of today’s college students are having a tough time — and that’s not new. It worsened to “historic levels” and catapulted during the Covid-19 pandemic. Over time, though, people forget the difficulties they might have faced when they were young. I can’t. As a psychologist, I need to be transparent about the challenges and potential pitfalls when I lead workshops for incoming college students about emotional readiness.
The reality is that 60% of college freshmen who participated in a survey by the Harris Poll/Jed Foundation said they wish they were more emotionally prepared for school. Meanwhile, 50% report they experience stress most or all the time and that their independence skills needed improvement. “Everyone has it figured out but me,” agreed 45% of the respondents.
Young people can be incredibly focused on getting into college. They may hit the target academically but miss the mark developing emotional and coping skills they need to thrive. In my experience, kids don’t typically leave college because they couldn’t cut it academically; they leave because of mental health conditions, many of which emerge during the college years, between the ages of 18 and 22.
In fact, 60% of college students meet the criteria for a mental illness, 33% experience anxiety, and 26% have depression. Smaller percentages of students have ADHD (13%) and PTSD (7%). Intentional self-injury and suicide are considered by 11% and 15%, respectively, while suicide is attempted by 3%.
Historically, students who identify as minorities suffer disproportionately high levels of stress and present with mental health disorders. Citing financial circumstances and family beliefs as barriers to seeking counseling, minority students tend to experience mental health conditions longer — and more severely — than other groups.
These obstacles can make the climb out of a mental health condition seem impossible, especially on top of new challenges college students must tackle.
Without significant adjustments in how we raise the next generation, Vera Feuer, MD, says the mental health crisis among children will get worse.
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For many young people, college often is the first time they’re on their own, trying to develop new relationships and find sources of support. But as they begin “adulting,” many young adults hit their limits, juggling everything from time management, finances, laundry and meals, to roommates, loneliness, medical appointments, homesickness, as well as academic and social obligations — all at once. As we get older and have learned these skills, we forget how easy it is to feel depleted when learning even low-stakes tasks, how overwhelming that juggle can be.
One college student expressed it beautifully: “If this is the best time of my life, what does this mean for the rest of my life?”
You need a plan, I tell them. Learn to regulate emotions and soothe yourself when you inevitably hit bumps. You will hit bumps.
Who is your go-to person or contact when you have a problem? What’s your plan to care for yourself when you start to feel low (and we all do)? Do you know the self-care essentials? (Eating well, exercising and, hopefully, getting enough rest. For me, a playlist of cathartic anthems is key, along with scheduling breaks.) We return to the fundamentals to reset, reflect and gain insight, to see clearly enough to ask for help.
Once we’ve mastered these skills, we sometimes forget that today’s young undergraduates have lived much of their lives online. They’re less likely to have socialized in person, built relationships, navigated disagreements and faced uncomfortable situations.
It’s up to the experienced adults in their lives to allow young people to experience stress and distress before they live on their own. We can make sure they know how to schedule medical appointments, make travel plans, contact a teacher to clarify an assignment or even send back food in a restaurant. Practical skills and strategies will help them manage reality’s challenges and even recognize when social media is presenting a photoshopped college experience.
However well-meaning, the unrealistic portrayals of college so many young people will hear over holiday dinners only serve to push the idea that even their old aunt or uncle had more fun in college than they’re having. We also can choose to be relatable.
The multi-faceted version of college not warped by time helps college-age kids build trusted, healthy support systems for themselves. A little vulnerability — and maybe some self-deprecating humor — can encourage young people to develop perspective and meaningful connections. More important than our airbrushed memories of what it’s like to be young and unencumbered, they need practical skills to face what’s ahead — and what’s real.
Laura Braider, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and associate vice president of behavioral health at Northwell Health. She is an assistant professor of psychiatry at the Zucker School of Medicine at Hofstra/Northwell.
This op-ed originally appeared in The Messenger.
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